September 5, 2007

today i had a class i started to kinda dread. it was the class i had with my advisor. turns out he's not so bad. he's intimidating, but his bark is worse than his bite. he likes to appear like a bad ass. the class is going to be a lot of work i think, but i fel like i'll come out a much better journalist. ambika's in it, so it makes it a little easier. speaking of ambika.... her professor for media sounded slightly better than mine, so today i switched into her section. smart decision? not sure. i do know that having a friend in the class helps and that i won't have to buy any new books. we'll see how this decision works out.

anyways, back to yesterday. was thinking of making dinner and inviting brandon and meghan over. seemed like something cool and nice to do. good food. good company. some wine. some music. mariana did it all the time so i thought i'd take a page from her book. well, i still want to do that but we (the 580ers) ended up going across the street to noodle st.. the food was pretty cheap and good. i'm going to have leftover mango fried rice w/ shrimp for lunch in a bit.

later that night i got a call to mariana. it was great finally hearing from her b/c i've missed her and have had trouble getting a hold of her. she's proud of my adjusting so well. she's happy that i have friends and things to do. i got really depressed after talking to her. i miss her and i miss the good times we had. i also feel that maybe i'm not being myself. perhaps i'm trying too hard to be a little extroverted social butterfly, which i've never been. last year turned me into someone who is always up for anything, which was a positive change. i think i just, while happy with the way things are going, am desperate to recreate the dynamic of the grad student group. i need to slow down. i refuse to be the stay-at-home introvert i once was, but this perky guy is not me. i realized this person i'm acting like isn't me when jenna and meghan mentioned how i'm always so happy and smiley. it reminded me of my early high school days. now, i'm not saying i'm suffering through depression again and that i'm faking happiness. i'm just saying that i'm trying a bit too hard. good things will happen in their own time and way. i can't pretend to be someone i'm not and i can't be afraid to show people the real me.

so i was feeling pretty sad and lonely. i realized that brandon was sitting around bored, so i went up to his place. we talked a little bit and then meghan ended up coming over. we watched a bit of March of the Penguins and then started playing video games. i clearly lost my video game skills over the years, but brandon rocked. later on we watched an episode of heroes.

i went to bed feeling a little better, but i was still a little down. what to do? *sigh*

- R