September 2, 2007

i wrote that i am strangely accustomed to boston life. i think i lied. i think that i was/am in denial that everything is going great. i mean, don't get me wrong, things are good. it's just that. i have to avoid thinking about the life and people i left or else i can't function. i am extremely sentimental and far too emotional. once i start getting nostalgic i'm doomed. mariana kept telling me not to think about what i am leaving, but i am currently finding myself unable to do so. i developed an amazing and very close friendship with mariana and it was indescribably difficult to drive away from house for (what seemed like) the last time. the light at the end of the rainbow is that she is coming in november to spend the weekend with me in boston. yet, even that is bittersweet (a word that has all too acurately described my life for some time now) b/c it just means i am going to have to say goodbye to her again and i don't know how i'll cope with that. 

i need to get out of this depressed i am finding myself in b/c things aren't bad. i met and been hanging out with some cool people. yesterday we went to the cambridge area to check out harvard (they had never been there) and such. we had dinner at this noodle place that was pretty good; first in the us b/c it had solely been located abroad. afterwards, we went ot the north end again for some mike's, got some booze, and headed back to 580 to hang out. i made gin & tonics for everybody and just talked. we shared stories and shared probably more than i should have about the friday night adventures i had at ucla. it felt so comfortabe and so right. it was almost like being back in la with the grad students. after only brandon, meghan, and i (the 580ers) were the only ones left we just kept drinking, talking, and listening to moody music. after a while we decided to go out and play some frisbee. this then eventually turned into a walk. we ended up calling it a night around 3 am. at the risk of sounding cheesy(er), the possibility of reliving those good times made me so happy. last year changed me. i left my shell and experienced life. stopped staying in my room and actually did stuff. i made an amazing group of friends, had amazing times. it was the the happiest i've ever been in my life and i was certian that my graduating ucla meant the end of my happy days. but last nght filled me with such hope that my happiness need not end. i am so grateful for these new friends of mine. moreover, i organized a get together for COM grad students so as to meet others i've been talking to online durng the summer and to meet potential new friends. 

i think things ARE going to be alright. i just can't seem to shake this flash-depression. i really think i just need to find someone. i'm lonely and i want more than a just a quickie relationship. i've never really known love, and i want to. i want a long term relationship. i think i'm ready for it. finding the one is probably asking for much, but i want to find a girl who makes life worth living. a reason to wake up in the morning.

*sigh* i'm sorry for this cheestastic and depressing entry. i sometimes just fall into a dark mood that comes without warning and is difficult to conquer. gotta look on the bright side of life. hanging out with some cool people tonight and that's enough to brighten my mood.

- R