February 24, 2006

well i am in terrible pain. it was pretty bad last night, but it has not gone away. my mom thinks it's a combination of the immense stress i was going through and the exertion of salsa.

i also found out this morning that my grandmother in mexico (my dad's mom) died at 2 AM this morning. my parents are going to mexico tonight to see the family. the thing is, i haven't shed a tear. i don't feel sad. i don't really feel anything. i don't know what to think. at most i feel guilty that i couldn't (and didn't want to anyways) go see her in october when my parents went. it was my mom's plan to send me over there sooner rather than later b/c she could sense that my grandmother didn't have much time left. she was losing her memory and didn't recognize my sister or confused her with someone else. she did, however, mention me frequently and asked why i couldn't come or if i could ever visit her. she kept telling my parents she wanted to see me before she died.

i felt no pain when both my great-grandparents died. i feel like i should be sad, but i can't even create an emotion. what is wrong with me? ever since i was young i had this feeling that death meant nothing to me, even if it were a family member. i don't get it. i always tried to imagine the scenario of losing my grandma (mom's mom) or a parent, but i couldn't even picture myself crying. there has only been one time that ia ctually cried at the death of someone and it was my cousin from mexico. when i learned of it, i didn't feel anything other than perhaps shock. it wasn't until i started to talked to someone about it that i actually cried over the loss. we weren't very close, but he was always good to me. i surprised myself with the demonstration of emotion.

why don't i feel anything? am i nothing more than a cold-hearted, emotionally numb individual? can i not care about other people? is life, or rather, other people's lives meaningless to me? i don't even know. the only thing death does to me is make me confused about how to face or act around those who were most directly affected by the loss (e.g. my aunt and uncle in the case of my cousin or my dad in this case).

i'm going straight to hell and that is no joke.