September 11, 2007

yesterday my first class got cancelled. i used my extra time to read the three articles for my 6-9 class. i had the incentive to finish the articles as soon as possible because there was the possibility of going out with brandon. i finished the articles, which were actually three final projects from the advanced journalism research seminar i'm taking. a lot of work went into those projects and i started getting nervous pver whether i could complete such a feat. i was pretty tired, so i took a nap for a while and was later woken up by a phone call from my dad. a few minutes later i got a call from brandon asking if i wanted to go to the museum of science seeing as they were having a college night (i.e. free admission).

so off we went, if only for a while because i had to be back by 6. they have a lot of cool stuf there and i resolved to be back one day when i have more time. i enjoyed the place, but brandon's excitement was contagious and i got progressively happier to be there. i was disappointed to have to leave. brandon ended up staying to see the free shows. i ended up being ten minutes late to class. luckily, he was just introducing himself and they hadn't started introductions yet. i was embarrassed to be late, but more so b/c i started getting really sweaty from the run to class. it was gross, and i worried that i look like i was in the process of drowning.

anyways, turns out that this girl (lois, i believe) i know from ucla and sigma tau delta is in the class too. i always wondered if she had ended up choosing bu for grad school or not. she recognized me and announced to the class that she knew me. i was once again embarrassed b/c i did not recognize her at all. this is the second time that;s happened with her. she remembers me and i just go, "oh yeah. hey..... you." really need to work on my facial recognition skills. well, this class induced a mini panic attack. i started freaking out that i couldn't compete. what was i thinking going to grad school? i don't have the experience that others do. who am i kidding? i don't belong here! i was having a difficult time breathing and my head hurt. i was suddenly completely overwhelmed. i felt scared and alone. i got back to my apartment, starving and exhausted. i simply felt miserable. i felt like i hadn't slept in five days.

i went to bed at 11, but called mariana before going to sleep. she was just as tired as me. we talked for a little bit about the going ons of the group, individuals, a
my episodes of depression, nd my panic attack. she made me feel a little better, but i think i just really need her to be here, give me a hug, and tell me everything is going to be ok. a phone conversation can only do so much. she went through a similar experience last year, so she completely understands and is proof that it can be overcome. only two more months until she's here. here's hoping i survive.

- R