Thursday, May 14, 2009

The muffin story

In a previous post, I alluded to my habit of talking to inanimate objects. I said I would relate a certain tale, if reminded. Alas, I was reminded (thanks, Bika) and must make good on my promise. And so another one of my embarrassments enters the public forum.

Back in college at UCLA I would commit the same mistake time and time again. The dining halls were the battleground. The dessert section my enemy. The battle began whenever I would get up to get a dessert. It's starting to sound like a battle against the bulge, isn't it?

I would peruse all the wonderful delicacies. What to get? What to get? Brownie? No. Rice Krispie treat? Gross. Ice cream? Hmmm.... maybe. And there it was. A tray of muffins. I normally don't like muffins, but these muffins appeared to be chocolate chip. You'll find that I'm all over anything with chocolate chips. I dislike pancakes, but put some chocolate chips in them and I'll gobble them up.

Now, you may have noticed I said "appeared to be." What I always discovered upon returning to my table with my bounty was that my chocolate chip muffin was actually a blueberry muffin. You would think I wouldn't make the same mistake so many times, but then I wouldn't be Roberto. I'm dense like that.

This one time, however, was a little different. I went up to the dessert section and reached for my "chocolate chip muffin." But I stopped. I was wise to the muffin's deception. I knew that it was a blueberry muffin in disguise. I was not fooled this time. But, me being me, I simply did not turn around and return to my friends. That would have been far too logical and normal for me. I confronted that deceitful pastry.

"Oh no you don't! You're not going to trick me this time, little muffin. I know you're actually filled with blueberries. Not chocolate chips. Better luck next time!"

I showed that muffin who was the boss. Unfortunately, as usually happens whenever I verbalize my thoughts, I forget that other people can hear what I'm saying. In this case, there was another student standing right next to me. I looked up to see him staring in disbelief. Had he really just witnessed a guy talking to a muffin? *sigh* He did.

What do you say in such a situation? Is there really a proper protocol for having been discovered in conversation with an inanimate object?

I grabbed my tray, put my head down, and scurried back to my table.

I'd like to say that I never did something stupid like that again. I'd like to say it, but then that would make me a liar.


- R


  1. So long as you don't get caught talking to Roberto Jr while at the urinals, I think you're all set.

  2. HAHAHA! Make a new section exclusively for your conversations with non-living things! I'm very curious to know what other things you talk to.

  3. Wow, I laughed so hard I cried. That pretty much made my evening. Don't worry I talk to coffee, computers, food, and other such inanimate objects regularly... I also talk to nothing at all. I'm thinking of just wearing my blue tooth around so I won't be crazy just obnoxious.

  4. M- I have never spoken to Roberto Jr. while at the urinal, but I did have some words with the urinal cake. I sure showed him. But I don't think anyone heard me.

    B - The number of inanimate objects I've talked to would astound you. I'll see what I can do.

    L - Haha. See, this is why we are friends. We both should be put away.

  5. Very amusing. Alhough it could have been much worse. Imagine if the damn muffin had made a comeback.

    It'd probably try to promote it's healthy credentials as a blueberry muffin. Nice story!